To Talk (or Not To Talk) About Your Cancer During the Holidays

Family gatherings, community activities, faith-based traditions, office parties, children’s school concerts — end-of-year celebrations and holiday events are upon us. If you’re facing a cancer diagnosis, these gatherings and festivities may look and feel different this year: you’re bringing cancer to the party. 

Whether you’re feeling emotionally unprepared or physically exhausted, the anticipation of socializing with family, friends, and strangers at these events may be causing you extra stress. If you’re feeling anxious about addressing questions and comments about your diagnosis, know that your feelings are normal. It’s equally okay to not feel celebratory this year. 

Perhaps you’ve just been diagnosed and are still processing the news. Perhaps you’re in treatment and experiencing side effects that have changed your appearance. Or maybe your care team has suggested dietary changes or contact precautions that will change the way you typically eat and interact with loved ones during get-togethers. 

People may ask questions, make offhand comments, or offer unsolicited advice. Even with good intentions, these statements can create an uncomfortable environment for guests, and for you especially. Being proactive in determining how you will respond to remarks about your health can lessen or resolve feelings of discomfort.

Remember: Your experience is your own. Determining what is shared, and with whom, is a privilege reserved just for you. 

Let’s consider potential questions or comments you may receive, and possible responses you can use to define and protect your boundaries:

Remarks about your diagnosis:

I’ve heard you’ve been going through some health stuff recently. Have you gotten a diagnosis?

Possible response: I appreciate your concern. I’m not ready to share that information.

Hey, you never told me what the results were from the genetic testing. Is it hereditary?

Possible response: I’m waiting to speak with my doctor about those results. Once I do, I’ll follow her advice in sharing the findings with those who may be impacted.  

Your aunt shared with me last week that you’ve been diagnosed with breast cancer. What have the doctors told you? Did you catch it early?

Possible response: I’m still processing all of this myself. For now, I’m choosing to keep the details private.  

Remarks about your treatment plan:

How’s the chemo going? I’ve heard that it makes you sick and tired all the time, and that you lose your hair and the ability to think straight.

Possible response: I’m taking each day as it comes. I’m feeling okay today and just want to enjoy the day with everyone.

Do you have a date yet for the surgery?

Possible response: I know you’re asking from a place of good intent, but I’m keeping the date of my surgery between my partner and me. I’ll make sure to let you know if there’s anything I need once I’m in the recovery period.

I was doing some research and found that there’s a new treatment in curing cancer. You should see if you’re a candidate. I’ll send you the articles I read.

Possible response: Thank you for wanting the best for me. I’ve got a great care team and I feel good about the plan we have in place. I’ll let you know if I’d like to look at those articles in the future. For now, I feel hopeful about my treatment plan.
 

Remarks about changes to your appearance:

You look great. How much weight have you lost?

Possible response: I know you meant that as a compliment, but I’d rather not talk about changes in how I’m looking today.

Is that a wig? It looks so natural.

Possible response: I’m feeling a little self-conscious showing up to this party looking different than I normally do. I’d appreciate if we can talk about something unrelated to my appearance or health.

Why are you so covered up? Show those battle scares off with pride!

Possible response: Thank you for recognizing that I’ve survived something really difficult. I feel comfortable in this outfit, and it’s important that I also feel comfortable if and when I decide to reveal my scars to others.
 

Remarks about changes to your eating or behavior:

So now that you have that bag, can you still eat normally?

Possible response: I know you’re just curious but that question really isn’t appropriate.

Just have a few bites of Jane’s casserole. You don’t want to insult her.  

Possible response: I have no intention of offending anyone at this gathering, but I’m choosing to prioritize my health and follow the dietary guidance of my care team.

Why the mask? It’s just going to be family here and everyone knows to stay home if they’re feeling sick.

Possible response: I want to cherish this time with family. I spoke with my care team about how to protect myself from illness and infection when I’m around others. Wearing a mask is the best option for me to safely join in celebration.

Or, try one of these general responses:

Talking about something so personal in this type of setting doesn’t feel comfortable to me. Thanks for understanding.

Thank you for thinking of me. I’d love to talk about something other than cancer today. Tell me how you’ve been since we last saw each other. 

Cancer has consumed most of my time and energy recently. I’d be grateful to not have to talk about cancer on this day of celebration.
 

Having a few blanket statements in your back pocket may help you feel more at ease when talking — or not talking — about your cancer experience during holiday celebrations and other end-of-year gatherings. Here are a few more tips you may want to try:

1. Have a close family member or friend by your side at events to help mediate questions or comments that can feel invasive, judgmental, or otherwise inappropriate. 
2. If you are attending a gathering as a guest, speak with the host beforehand to discuss your concerns. 
3. Contact our Cancer Support Helpline at 888-793-9355 to talk with an expert. Our Helpline’s community navigators and resource specialists can provide personalized guidance, resources, and support to help you navigate your cancer experience during the holiday season and year-round.

Remember: Your truth is valid. Your experience is real. And your well-being deserves to be respected, always. 

About the Author

Carolyn Noack is a licensed clinical social worker in California with specialties in oncology, perinatal loss, and grief. She has provided psychotherapy, psychoeducation, support group facilitation, and patient navigation support to those impacted by cancer for most of her career, working in inpatient, outpatient, and private practice settings. Carolyn has worked as a community navigator on CSC’s Cancer Support Helpline since 2021. She is passionate and committed to providing care that is patient-centered, compassionate, and evidence-based.