Parenting With Cancer: What Do We Tell the Kids?
Rich and Heather, pictured in October 2024, enjoying a ride on a San Francisco cable car.
A couple learned they each had cancer. Telling their kids was one of the hardest parts.
Breaking the news to our kids was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life.
When a parent receives a cancer diagnosis, a common worry is how to tell their kids the news. For any parent, having to do it twice may seem unimaginable. But this was the extraordinary challenge that Rich and Heather faced, quite unexpectedly, when they each received a cancer diagnosis in January 2016. Their diagnoses came just a few weeks apart.
Rich’s diagnosis, esophageal cancer, came first. As the couple processed the difficult news, they thought of their two young sons. What would they tell them? And when?
At first, Rich and Heather decided they would wait to tell their kids. They were still learning information themselves about Rich’s diagnosis. Waiting seemed best.
“Except we knew there was so much happening under our roof,” Heather recalls. “Our boys were age 10 and 13, so they could definitely pick up [that] our norms were a little different — like who was coming and going, and that we were having side conversations and a lot of phone calls.”
Deciding What to Say, and How to Say It
When the couple decided it was time to tell their kids the news, they didn’t find much guidance available on how to talk to them about it.
“How do you say it to not scare them? Do they even know what the words esophageal cancer mean?” Heather says. “It was difficult to find support in crafting those messages. So, we figured it out on our own and sat down and had the conversation. I think we had three words out of our mouth about it and my little one was like, ‘Oh, that's bad — cancer. Are you going to die?’”
Tips to Talk With Your Kids
Telling children about a cancer diagnosis can be challenging, but there are helpful things you can do to start the conversation, including:
- Using simple language that your children can understand
- Being honest when answering their questions
- Letting them know it’s okay to feel sad, mad, scared, or confused
Breaking the news to their kids once was hard enough. Just a few days after that conversation, Heather learned she had stage 1 triple negative breast cancer. Having to tell their kids the news wasn’t any easier the second time around. Heather also worried about how to explain side effects that may happen with her treatments, which would include surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation therapy.
“I vividly remember how much I was putting into it, energy wise,” she says. “Like, what do I say? How do I say it? What’s the reaction going to be?”
Extra Support at the Right Time
In February of that year, the couple’s oldest son started attending a new educational group at his middle school called Straight Talk About Cancer. It couldn’t have come at a better time for the family. Provided by CSC Greater Philadelphia (a local partner of the Cancer Support Community), the group was designed specifically for kids whose parents had cancer. Heather appreciated the peer support and connection it offered her son. The group also learned and talked about cancer together.
The knowledge her son was gaining in those group classes became apparent when Heather sat down to talk with her kids about her treatment plan and potential side effects. “He was like, ‘Oh, mom, that's great because that means this is happening in your body.’ I thought, ‘Oh my gosh, I never would have thought to explain something that way. How amazing.’”
For Heather, it showed how knowledge can empower people — not just patients, but kids and families too — after a diagnosis. It was a huge relief, she adds. “I didn't need to stress about what to say because he was being coached on the side with some of these things in a way that I never would have thought to do.”
Did You Know?
The Cancer Support Community has 196 locations worldwide, with programs for every age group and life situation, including children, teens, and families affected by cancer. Find your nearest CSC or Gilda’s Club location and ask about their support groups and resources for children who have a family member living with cancer.
Navigating Treatment Schedules, Side Effects & Complications
Heather’s first line of treatment was surgery, followed by chemotherapy. Meanwhile, Rich also started his treatment plan: concurrent chemotherapy and radiation therapy, followed by multiple surgeries and hospital stays. Heather would visit her husband in the hospital during the day, then return home to be with their kids. She organized a rotating schedule among family members to visit Rich at the hospital when she wasn’t able to be there.
“My husband's nurses were amazing,” says Heather. “They would send me home and be like, ‘Now go take care of yourself. We’ve got him.’ Or, ‘Go home for the night and tuck your kids in.’”
As Heather and Rich navigated their treatments, their boys continued their normal extracurricular and social activities. Heather also checked in with her sons’ schools. “I talked to the school counselor for both of my kids to make sure they knew,” she says. “I think that's important, to make sure that socially and academically they have people keeping an eye on them.”
Heather describes her treatment experience overall as “very textbook.” There were common side effects with her chemotherapy treatment, including fatigue and hair loss.
“I went through what was expected, but I wanted my kids to feel like they were going to have a parent no matter what,” she says, “for them to be like, ‘My mom's hearing what happened to me at school today,’ no matter how tired [I felt].”
Knowing what to expect made it easier for Heather to let her kids know how she may be feeling, and when, based on her treatment schedule. “I was able to say, ‘Mom’s probably going to be resting on the sofa a lot tomorrow.’ That part of the conversation was kind of easy, whereas my husband had every complication you could possibly fathom.”
Heather estimates that her husband underwent 8 surgeries in all. Surgical complications often meant Rich needed to stay at the hospital for extended periods of time. He was in the ICU twice, she says. “I quickly realized I couldn't say [things to the kids] like, ‘Oh, he'll be home in a day,’ because nothing ever happened the way it was supposed to.”
So, instead, Heather focused on telling her kids what she did know: That their dad was receiving expert care, and everyone was doing everything they could for him.
Heather completed her final chemotherapy treatment on the same day Rich underwent an esophagectomy, a procedure to remove part of the esophagus. The post-surgery hospital stay was expected to be about 7 days. Due to complications, Rich’s hospital stay lasted 30 days. When it was time for her husband to return home, Heather talked with their kids about what to expect during his post-surgery recovery. Their father would have a feeding tube, and there would be nurses and other home medical aides coming and going from their house to help care for their dad for a while.
The day after Rich returned home, Heather started radiation therapy treatment. Despite all these moving parts, the couple found ways to maintain some family-centered activities at home. Being together at dinner was one important routine.
“One thing my husband felt comfortable doing — even though he wasn't allowed to be eating for a while at dinner time — was he would still come into the room,” says Heather. “He'd sit at the sofa, not at the table. Having dinnertime together — even though he could not participate in eating — that was something we had worked hard at as a family, to always have that touch point from a communication standpoint and a ‘together’ perspective.”
Support for Parents and Children Comes in Many Forms
Parenting with cancer is no easy feat, whether one or both parents are navigating a diagnosis. Seeking help from family and friends, professional care providers, and community members can ease the practical, physical, mental, and emotional demands of the experience.
For Heather and Rich, support came in a variety of forms. “We had tons of family and community that rallied [around us] and helped us with things,” says Heather.
Need Help Joining Family & Friends Together?
Create a personal support site and invite family and friends to follow your journey, all in one place. Share news and updates about your cancer experience and gain social, emotional, and practical support from your network along the way.
During those challenging months of treatment, Heather also met regularly with a therapist who had oncology support experience. After Rich returned home from the hospital after his esophagectomy, they found a social worker to help provide home care support. This was also beneficial for Heather as a caregiver, as she learned ways to help her husband in the short-term and long-term.
Rich also found peer support through a local esophageal cancer group. “Those guys were great,” says Heather. “They would come to help him [and encourage him], like ‘You will be okay.’” Rich is now a member of the group’s board.
Heather wants other parents with cancer to know they’re not alone in their experience, and that support is available for parents and children. Choose what’s right for you and your kids based on your needs, advises Heather.
“There are so many possibilities. Honor who you are in all those ways. There's something out there from a support standpoint.”