At a Loss: Facing Grief After a Cancer Diagnosis

Cancer is life-changing, and feelings of loss & grief are valid at any point — from diagnosis into survivorship. Here are some types of grief & loss you may experience, and what you can do.

Most of us think of grief as a finite period of acute sadness following the death of a loved one. In cancer care, loved ones of cancer patients (and caregivers specifically) are often the focus of bereavement and grief support services. 

The grief of cancer patients is more readily overlooked. If you're facing a cancer diagnosis or navigating life post-treatment, you may feel that your own experiences of grief haven’t been seen or understood. 

The death of a loved one is undoubtedly a significant loss. But the losses people can experience after a personal cancer diagnosis equally warrant bereavement and grief support. 

To receive a cancer diagnosis changes everything — arguably for you, the patient, first and foremost. These changes are often abrupt, undesired, and unpreventable. These changes are losses. 

Types of Loss After a Cancer Diagnosis

In your own cancer experience, you may have faced loss of:

• health and physical capacity
• employment or income 
• fertility or sexual function
• pre-diagnosis physical appearance
• intended plans, experiences, and opportunities
• time with children, grandchildren, partners, and other loved ones
• friendships and other meaningful relationships
• cognitive acuity
• personal autonomy
• trust and feeling of security
• energy, motivation, interest
• identity

These are just a few examples of the different changes and losses people may experience after a cancer diagnosis. In fact, grief specialists have identified many types of loss. 

Losses such as loss of life, loss of physical function, and loss of employment are considered tangible. They are easier to define. Losses such as loss of personal autonomy, loss of interest, and loss of identity are not visible and can be harder to define. All losses you experience following a cancer diagnosis are very real. 

Being able to share your loss with both loved ones and your care team is important. The following examples may help start these conversations:

1. I don’t feel like myself. When I look in the mirror, I don’t recognize the person I see.
2. My partner is very understanding, but I’m worried that our relationship has changed.
3. I’m not interested in much these days. Nothing sounds enjoyable and my friends have disappeared on me.
4. I feel like this cancer has taken control of my life. I don’t have a say in what’s happening to my body.   

Types of Grief After a Cancer Diagnosis

As with loss, there are many types of grief. Grief of any type is always valid. It will look and feel different for everyone. It’s important to emphasize that grief can’t be compared. No single experience of grief is better or worse than another.

In your cancer experience, you may have navigated feelings of grief in any (or all) of these forms:

• disenfranchised grief
• delayed grief
• absent grief

Disenfranchised Grief 

Illness-related losses, including losses due to chronic diseases like cancer, generally result in this form of grief. People who experience this type of loss may not feel permission to grieve. As a result, some people may keep this grief hidden. This can lead to feelings of invalidation, shame, and isolation.  

Previvors and people with early-staged cancer often experience disenfranchised grief. You may have been told that you have the “good kind” of cancer. Those who smoke tobacco and are diagnosed with lung cancer can also encounter disenfranchised grief. You may believe that you are to blame for your diagnosis. No one should ever feel responsible for developing cancer.

Delayed Grief 

This grief is expressed long after a loss has happened. Cancer treatment is time-consuming and physically and logistically demanding. So, it’s common for patients to begin the process of grieving only after treatment has ended. This grief can feel disorienting and isolating, especially if emotional support resources are no longer accessible after treatment ends.

Ringing the bell is a tradition at many cancer facilities to mark the end of a patient’s treatment. It’s considered a cause for celebration. Patients, however, often describe the moment as emotionally conflicting. They may have feelings of overwhelm or emptiness. They may not know who they are now. This is delayed grief.  

Absent Grief 

This is an unidentifiable or seeming lack of grief. People who experience absent grief are often considered to be in denial, out of touch, or unaffected by their cancer diagnosis. Sometimes these patients are praised for their resilience by members of their care team. It’s not surprising, then, that this type of grief doesn’t receive the attention that other types of grief receive. Patients with absent grief may feel isolated, flawed, and misunderstood.

Support & Connection Can Help You Cope

Know that your grief, in all its different forms, is real and honest. It’s important to remember that you are not alone in any of these experiences. 

Support is available to help you cope with and navigate your feelings of loss and grief, at any point in your cancer experience and into survivorship. Community navigators and resource specialists on our Cancer Support Helpline are available to offer empathetic and validating guidance. They can also provide referrals for ongoing support. Call our Helpline at 888-793-9355 or reach out via our live web chat service.

Just as no one should be alone in their experience of cancer, no one should be without community in their experience of grief. Joining support groups and online discussion forums are a few ways you can find community and connect with others who have similar experiences.

Discover How Support Groups Can Help

About the Author

Carolyn Noack is a licensed clinical social worker in California with specialties in oncology, perinatal loss, and grief. She has provided psychotherapy, psychoeducation, support group facilitation, and patient navigation support to those impacted by cancer for most of her career, working in inpatient, outpatient, and private practice settings. Carolyn has worked as a community navigator on CSC’s Cancer Support Helpline since 2021. She is passionate and committed to providing care that is patient-centered, compassionate, and evidence-based.